winga posted:
1) Okay, most importantly, pics required.
2) What is the age variance since in your last post it almost sounds like the kid is around your age instead of the single mom.
3) pics?
4) Either get wasted, take her home and wake up in the morning going wtf? What just happened? Why are you in my bed? Or, alternatively, you can simply ask if she's looking for an eff buddy, 1 time, or an actual relationship.
5) Still waiting on pics.
6) I've had the opposite experience of Cawlin. Both long term relationships I've been in where the woman had kids they encouraged me to play an active role in their child(ren)'s life. At the very least didn't hold me back. Neither relationship worked out but it was not the child(ren)'s fault in either case.
To be clear, it's not as if I have been discouraged from playing an active role in the child's life. Certainly any single mom would love that - take the kid(s) to the park, teach them to ride a bike, play catch, be a babysitter, whatever. When it comes to things like discipline though and the hard parts of being a parent, that's where the roadblocks have come up.
The cynical perspective is that single moms are more than happy to have a babysitter, but they sure as hell don't want you actually having true parental impact on their children.
Don't like the way the kid is acting with their attitude? Say something to the kid as the step dad - mom is on your ass.
Don't like the way the kid is farting around and not doing homework unless the mom sits and goes over every line of every exercise with them? Say something and get mom's wrath.
There are a million little things that go into being a parent that are above and beyond babysitting. Most single moms are happy to have a sitter, and not very open to having a true parent in their non-baby-daddy significant other.
Jezza_Belle posted:
winga posted:
1) Okay, most importantly, pics required.
2) What is the age variance since in your last post it almost sounds like the kid is around your age instead of the single mom.
3) pics?
4) Either get wasted, take her home and wake up in the morning going wtf? What just happened? Why are you in my bed? Or, alternatively, you can simply ask if she's looking for an eff buddy, 1 time, or an actual relationship.
5) Still waiting on pics.
6) I've had the opposite experience of Cawlin. Both long term relationships I've been in where the woman had kids they encouraged me to play an active role in their child(ren)'s life. At the very least didn't hold me back. Neither relationship worked out but it was not the child(ren)'s fault in either case.
I think the deal is that Cawlin couldn't commit to being the step dad, maybe that wasn't his decision, maybe it was. Either way those women didn't trust him to make the right choices overall. I know that in the relationships I've been in, one was committed from the start to be a father figure, and one was not. You can't change things up in the middle, so if you go into a relationship and say you just want to play the uncle, you don't get to change your mind when the kid starts treating you like a doormat.... that was your choice.
This is a pipe dream. NOBODY who has never had kids of their own is ready to start being a step parent from "the beginning". To ask it or even consider it as a possibility is delusional. However, it is a delusion that is propagated by the current popular (dysfunctional) psychology on the matter.
Incidentally, those women wouldn't have trusted ANYONE to make the right decisions, and that was the problem. They sure as hell didn't trust the biological dad to do so either. The bottom line is that most women and parents in general I think, don't trust anyone to make decisions about raising their children other than themselves and MAYBE the other biological parent. Just think for a moment about how many stories about the "wicked"/mean/overbearing stepdad/stepmom there are...
People considering a relationship with a single parent need to be aware of these issues. You can push them off on the perspective step parent all you want, but in the end, the reality is that the vast overwhelming majority of single parents simply will not let someone else parent their child(ren).
Incidentally, it has the potential to get worse when you have a step parent situation and then a situation where the new marriage has a child between mom and what was step-dad.
Case in point: my sister's son's father is a total toolbag. My sis got divorced and remarried - TWICE after. Her second husband after the father of her first child was a fantastic dad - even adopted her son when his father gave up his parental right. My sis and her second husband had a child together. My sis was so used to it being "her and her son" vs. "the world" that when she had this child with her second husband, it actually created problems because she had a hard time letting him be a parent to his own blood daughter.
They're divorced now too lol.
Dating a single parent is not the end of the world, but you need to go into it with eyes open and being aware of all the issues at hand. Most single moms seem happy to have a baby sitter and a companion and someone to help with expenses, but it's exceedingly rare for them to let the companion/babysitter be an actual parent, or even an equal partner in the family.
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