Now that's the kind of groveling I like to see!

---------------------------------------------

Part XXIX - BATTLESTATIONS!!!


The scene is akin to a submarine control room. Young men in uniform, cleanly cut and shaved, man their stations with obvious tension. To the side, a middle-aged gentleman pores over a radar screen. He bears stripes on his sleeve, and the weight of leadership on his furrowed brow.


[Enter a flustered shipman, wrinkled paper in hand.]


"CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN! Urgent communiqué just arrived from High Command. Sir, I think you'd better read this!"


Worry in his eyes, the captain snatches the memo from the lieutenant and scans quickly. A ghostly pallor sweeps over his face, as he lets the page slip from his hands to the floor.


"This...can't...be..."


"es sir, just arrived."


Grabbing the inferior by the collar, the captain erupts into fury.


"BOY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MESSAGE SAID???"


"SIR NO SIR!"


"IT SAYS THAT YOUR PRETTY LITTLE MOMMA MIGHT BE CRYING OVER A CEDAR CASKET COME TOMORROW NIGHT!!!"


The captain releases the quivering soldier, who cowers back to his station.


"PATCH ME ON A DIRECT LINE TO HIGH COMMAND!"


"Sir?"


"JUST DO IT!"


...


"General, I've just received orders. Is this correct?"


"Captain, am I to understand that you do not want to execute the maneuver?"


"Sir, no sir, that's not it. It's just my men are only trained for kissing by books. They've got no in-field experience."


"Well, you'll just have to do your best, won't you?"


"But sir, with all due respect, I thought we were maintaining a cease-kiss policy due to the situation with Angelica."


"Desperate times call for desperate measures, soldier. But just between you and me, I'd rather have given another order, if you catch my drift. And captain..."


"es sir?"


"It's war...sometimes...'accidents' happen, you know?"


"UNDERSTOOD SIR!"


A grim determination on his face, the captain seizes the periscope in one hand and the intercom in the other.


"BATTLESTATIONS BATTLESTATIONS!!! THIS IS A CODE RED! CODE RED! THIS IS *NOT* A DRILL!"


The room burst into life, comms lines crackling with ready reports from engineering, communications, radar, gunnery, kitchen...


"Three quarters forward throttle!"


"Three quarters forward throttle, Sir!"


*beep* <--- (Radar blip sound.)


"Navigator thirty degrees right, I want to arc smoothly into this."


"Thirty degrees right, Sir!"


*beep*


"Pull back on that pucker factor, man, we don't want to look like an idiot!"


"es Sir! *beep* Dropping pucker!"


"Engineering, status report!?"


*beep*


"Captain, right engine is overheating. It's not putting out *beep* the juice!"


"Navigator, correct for the right engine!"


*beep*


"es sir, I can turn in sharper to correct for drift, but we'll *beep* need more speed to make it in time!"


"Understood. Full throttle!"


*beep*


"Full throttle Sir!"


"What's going on? Our *beep* pitch is too steep!"


*beep*


"Sir, the flywheel is *beep* jammed! The extra speed is pushing the *beep* nose down!"


"Drop front *beep* ballast then! We've *beep* got to correct!"


*Beep*


"Already did *beep* sir! It's not *beep* working!"


"PULL BACK *BEEP* FORWARD THRUST *BEEP*!!! FULL *BEEP* REVERSE! *BEEP* ABORT!"


"HE *BEEP* CANNA *BEEP* TAKE MU *BEEP* CH MORE *BEEP* O' THI *BEEP* S!!! *BEEP* HE'S *BEEP* BRE *BEEP* AKI *BEEP* NG *BEEP* UP!!"


*BEEP*


"BRA *BEEP* CE FOR *BEEP* IM *BEEP* PA *BEEP* AAAA *BEEP* AAAA *BEEP* AAAA *BEEP* ACT!"


Ker-thuuuunk! Squimoosh!


Check and Mate.

Part XXX - WILL IT EVER #$(&ING END? MAYBE!


She was as surprised as I was. I had never done anything remotely close to kissing a girl, let alone one I didn't like. And I don't think she had ever been hit quite so hard on the temple when she was expecting a light peck on the cheek.


Honest to goodness, I didn't mean to headbutt her. I was frustrated, tired, inexperienced, and wanted to get the whole thing over with. I would have rather licked a toad (Dad are you licking toads? I'm not NOT licking toads!) than kiss Emily. So my lips naturally recoiled as best they could as I moved in. I was trying not to look her in the eyes, so I was looking at the ground. Pebblestone was prettier anyway. After the initial impact, I sort of rolled back and mushed my lips up against the back part of her cheek.


It knocked her back a bit and she got a kind of wide-eyed expression.


A Clark Conundrum.


Did he give in? Did he mean to give me the Scottich Hooligan Special? Was that a kiss afterward? Does he want his ring still? What do I do?


Sweet victory. Time to drive the nail in the coffin.


I reached down, grabbed her palm with my right hand and pulled my ring right off her finger with my left.


I mumbled a goodbye, turned and walked out to the car, hearing the door open and close when I was about halfway down the walk. I got in, started the car, took the wheel, and took note for a moment how nice my class ring looked...on my own hand.


THE END. (Sort of. I wouldn't stop reading right now if I were you.)

theres more? ohhhhhh darnit!


dont make me call your mom!

Epilogue I - Martyr


At a church dance a few weeks later, I was playing wallflower with a few of the other guys until the babes showed up. One of them commented when Emily came in, and the group all snickered. She immediately became the focus of the discussion.


"Look at the size of her nose, man!"


I hadn't really noticed, but yes, it was kind of longish, yes.


"Dude, that jaw is like...huge."


That, however, I had noticed. Emily definitely had a prominent jaw, very ... mannish. I suddenly began to have my suspicions...large arms, above-average height, large nose, thick ankles, prominent jaw...hmm, should probably just put that thought out of my head entirely.


"eah, I'm glad Will got off our back about taking her out. He must have found some sucker to do it."


!!!


Will was the guy in charge of the young men's activities. Late 20's, a very cool guy, helped us in our scouting activities, played basketball with us, creamed us mercilessly in paintball, etc. He also took special note that all of the kids felt accepted, especially newcomers. It wasn't unlike him to prod the guys to associate more often with the girls, so we were used to it.


Unwittingly, I had been the fall guy this time around.


"Oh man, you guys aren't gonna believe this, but my sister talked me into going out with her a few weeks ago."


Only the astoundingly repetetive refrains and entrancing beat of Haddaway's "What is Love" broke what would have been an otherwise dead silence in the group of a half dozen 14 to 18-year-old boys.


"Thanks, man."


The others soberly nodded their agreement. Little Timmy, the youngest of the group, haltingly stammered out a question:


"What was THAT like?"


The others stared daggers at the poor boy, but none spoke in open rebuke, still awed into a reverent silence. He instantly cowered away. He would learn, he would learn, in time.


I maintained a stoic gaze outward, ever scanning the bustling crowd for Angelica.

Epilogue II - Matrimony


School began, and I headed out of town. I visited home every month or so, but really didn't ever see Emily much, if at all.


Seasons changed from summer to fall to winter and then to spring again.


I graduated. Woo hoo! I had been accepted to the university of my choice, and was leaving the first with a good GPA.


Things were rolling along smoothly. It was May, and I came home for a lazy summer of working in an airplane repair shop. But that didn't start up for another few weeks.


My mother was putting me to plenty of work though. Funny how repainting the house or recarpeting or rearragning the furniture or anything involving re- always seems to happen when I'm home on break.


Then one day I was in for a little surprise.


"Clark, tomorrow I need you to help me get the decorations from Emily McBael'Zhar ... err, I guess it's O'Bael'Zharon now...her wedding."


!!!


"ou never told me about this!"


"es, well, they only announced it about two weeks ago."


SCANDALOUS! She still had 3 more weeks of class for her JUNIOR year in high school! From what I heard, the groom was a senior. Emily had just turned 17! We were all absolutely convinced that shenanigans were involved somehow.


I only got to see her briefly, from afar, as I showed up at the end of the reception in jeans and a t-shirt to do the work.


They looked like a happy couple, I guess. We all figured she was knocked up, but as time went on, no little O'Bael'Zharon came on the scene, from what I heard.


I'm not going to say anything about the groom or his family, but to this day I'm not sure which one of them snared the other... Epilogue III further confuses the issue.

Epilogue III - Misdemeanor


(Reconstructed as best as possible from memory. Received in the mail from my mother that fall, after I had moved cross-country to attend university).


Wednesday xx, September 199x - Whattown, Kansebraskontana (She got married in May, remember).


Target [the irony hurts] employee Emily O'Bael'Zharon was arrested on multiple counts of theft last Thursday. Also arrested were her husband, Tom O'Bael'Zharon, and John Doe and Joe Blow. John Doe is cousin to Mr. O'Bael'Zharon, and the legal guardian of Joe Blow.


Target security contacted local police officials when they noticed inconsistencies in inventory and register counts. After an investigation and further surveillance, police made the arrests Thursday.


Mrs. O'Bael'Zharon has been an employee of target for 3 months. On Thursday, Mr. O'Bael'Zharon came to her register with over $100 of merchandise, which Mrs. O'Bael'Zharon first rang up, then voided all but 1 item, valued at approximately $2. Mr. O'Bael'Zharon then handed his wife the $2, then left with all of the items. Following him in line were John Doe, then Joe Blow, both repeating the procedure.


Investigation of records and the O'Bael'Zharon residence resulted in 16 counts of misdemeanor theft against both Mr. and Mrs. O'Bael'Zharon. Mrs. O'Bael'Zharon, 17, was tried as an adult and pleaded guilty on Tuesday and was sentenced to 9 months in the County Women's Correctional Facility. Mr. O'Bael'Zharon pleaded not guilty and was sentenced to 16 months in the County Men's Correctional Facility. Joe Blow will be tried in juvenile court today on 1 count of misdemeanor theft. Mr. Doe will stand trial for one count of misdemeanor theft today.


-----------------------------------------


My class ring has since never seen another finger but my own. :/


THE END. (Really, this time).

*sighs*

Anyone have the number for a good rehab?

A top story – and I still think that you would be better off writing comedy for a living......

great story ...what ever happened to the date u were suppose to have with the girl u liked? (i bad with names)