Things are going well. Due to my work schedule I'm not able to go to his school with him but we did have a long talk about how to 'handle' people and how to make friends on top of what his father did with the teachers. He is now making friends with the bully (turns out they are both in chess club and PACE together so they have a lot in common)

 

-----signature-----

I must warn you, I'm not going to give you PC advice. But I am going to give you advice that, if properly executed, has a high probability of success.

It is sweet to think that teachers really care about bullying (in my experience most do not). And it is also very nice to think that if they did care they could or would do anything effective about it.

It's late, so I'm getting right to the point:

You need to tell your son that the next time someone tries to bully him to state calmly, bluntly, but in a non-confrontational manner that they are absolutely not to repeat the offending behavior. Something like a stern, serious (not loud or inflammatory) "Don't touch me again. I'm serious. Do NOT touch me." If the bully ignores his very reasonable warning, then your son needs to lay into him like a windmill in a tornado. Whether or not he "wins" the fight doesn't matter. The point is that he wants to go so animalistic on the budding sociopath that the kid is afraid to bother him in the future. Assuming your son's bully has an advantage on him of some sort, make sure your son understands that he needs to attack explosively and strike for the bully's groin and face hard, fast, and repeatedly until it is clear that the bully has been put in his place. And, again, if he can't beat the bully the goal is to make it clear that the bully is going to risk pain and injury if he insists on continuing to assault your son. Take as an example a wasp or any bee. A human being could easily pick up the insect and crush it in his or her hands. But no one in his/her right mind would dare do it! You want your son to be like that bee.

Your son is very much a minor, so there is no point, realistically, in worrying about ramifications. Unless he pulls a weapon or goes way overboard and gives the bully serious injuries (bloody nose, fat, busted lips, black eyes, etc. are NOT serious injuries) there will be no REAL issue other than stupid school punishments like suspension at the most for likely no more than one week. And in the long run such a suspension matters a lot less than your son learning to protect himself and not rely on inept teachers to save him. They can't, and they won't. The fact is that your son is extremely unlikely to convey any serious damage to his bully despite his best efforts. He can likely "kick his ass", so to speak, but he's not at all likely to do him any serious, lasting harm.

Explain to him beforehand that the school may act like he's committed a federal offense. Tell him that doesn't matter. Tell him if the school were willing and able to do its job he wouldn't have to do what he might have to do. It is in fact the school's fault for leaving him no reasonable recourse. And be ready to back him up to the administrators. Don't let THEM bully YOU! Tell them straight up that you will not tolerate your son being a bully or starting fights but that he has been told to defend himself when necessary and under no circumstances to suffer a bully. Threaten law suits, etc., even if you don't mean to follow through. Make sure they realize the responsibility to maintain civility in the school is exclusively there's. When they fail they levae your son no choice.

Finally, if your son is truly lousy at fighting, get him into a Brazilian Jiu-jitsu children's class. The skills he acquires will quickly allow him to effectively defend against a bully without doing any more harm than absolutely necessary, even if said bully is physically larger and stronger. Perhaps most importantly, though, make sure your son knows that he is under no circumstances to become a bully himself! Let him know that if you even suspect he's bullying that he'll get it so badly from you that you are sure he won't think it was worth it (in terms of non-physical punishment, ideally).

I'm exhausted, so I hope that is clear.

Good Luck!

Mortimir

P.S. - If he defends against the bully as I suggest and fails, and if the bully confronts him on a future occasion, tell him to respond the same way only even more ferociously. I'm saying this metaphorically, but he needs to maintain the attitude of, "If you're gonna bully me you better kill me! I will ALWAYS hit back with all I've got no matter how many times I've lost to you in the past." Most likely the bully will get the point and find another target. If not, your son will gain the reputation of being "un-bullyable" for not showing any fear and unhesitatingly defending himself. He will also escalate the situation far beyond what the bully wants and draw enough attention to FORCE the school to solve the problem. Personally, if I couldn't beat a bully, I'd be more than willing to jump him later when he least expects it, clobber him with a lunch tray or something, and then just beat the holy hell out of him. While it isn't ideal to start a fight, if you're sending a message in response to an earlier loss, I personally find that acceptable. The sad truth is that if you and your son don't accept the harsh reality of bullying it's likely to get much worse before it gets beter. Make sure he gets the reputation of being "un-bullyable" before he's too close to 18 when there is much greater risk of serious injury and legal consequences.

P.P.S. - Thankfully dealing with this sort of thing becomes unnecessary for most of us soon after we get out of high school. Understand that I would not ever behave as an adult as I recommend your son act as a child. The consequences and risks are much greater for adults. The sad fact is, however, that our school systems pretty much leave children like your son no choice but to endure bullying or take matters into his own hands and cultivate the reputation of being, again, "un-bullyable".

Hey Mort, you didn't bother to read beyond the first post, did you?

 

-----signature-----

Given content of post, would you be surprised?

 

-----signature-----

No, I'm sorry, I did not. It was very late, and I was on my way to bed when I saw the post. Did I put my foot in my mouth too badly?...=\ I really have my hands full, but I will try to read over the other posts in a bit and see where I lost my path!

Thanks in advance for being polite about it...=)

Mortimir

Ah, upon reading over the rest I see the issue seems more or less solved. However, I would have still posted something like what I did. Other bullying issues could come up in the future and present more difficulty in the way of their resolution. In my experience the methods most parents first employ out of desire to be PC and not endorse violence do far more hard than good. You have to remember that your child's reputation has a LOT to do with how his peers treat him. Children are stupid and don't respect civility and peace like we adults do. They tend to operate on baser instincts. If you spend too much time on mature solution to the knowledge of a child's peers, you run a serious risk of making him a bigger target.

I do hope this is the original poster's last experience with a bully. I absolutely loathe bullying behavior. When I was about 12 years old I was removed from a fairly good school that seriously frowned on ANY violence (even a light shove had you in the principal's office!). I ended up having to go to a rural school where fist fighting was a way of life and bullying was rampant. Thankfully, I was always very capable of defending myself--had not only the physical capability but was rather good at "talking" my way out of situations. As a result, I took it upon myself to look out for victims of bullies. Just the other day I saw a picture in the paper of an old friend from high school with his wife. I remembered that when he came to that redneck school from a large, northern city with a very good school system, that he was quite small for his age. At that high school he may as well have come with a target painted on him! However, due to my regular intervention over the first year or so of his being in attendance, he NEVER actually had to endure any physical assault. I didn't have to, either. But I was extremely good at selling the fact that if my civil attempts to resolve a bullying problem were insufficient that I was more than willing to "go balls to the wall", as it were, to prove that bullying would not be tolerated in my presence. I had the reputation of being good to my word, and a great deal of horse play with various friends in school had proven that I was likely very capable of doing severe damage if pushed. So, anyway, it is based on these experiences from my past that I advise people on how to handle bullies.

Best wishes!

Mortimir

Great story but you better let him figure out how to set things straight for himself because you're not always going to be there.

 

-----signature-----

Grr somehow my post got messed up.

Kotton:

Agree though that soon it'll be more harm than good to go to school and fix stuff for your little man. Can't blame you for going now though, he's so little and just starting school!

Another question... you said you did breakfast at his school a couple times with him... Why would you eat with him at school instead of at home before school? I always thought that school breakfasts were for kids that had difficult family circumstances or really early start schedules or something.

 

-----signature-----

There's 2 good reasons for this.

1. My son does not ever want to eat when he first gets up. Usually it's an half and hr to an hr before he's ready for anything to drink or eat. Some mornings, he'll want to eat, and I'll make him french toast, or we'll got to McD's and he'll have pancakes. I never really give him cereal. I dunno why?

2. Since I know his early morning eating habits. I usually just let him get as much sleep as possible.

Besides, I think his class, as well as the other classes meet in the lunch room first thing in the morning, whether they eat there or not.

 

-----signature-----

Oh I know.... but it's his first time in school, and we going thru it together so he don't feel lost, or without support. Next year, it'll be different for him.

 

-----signature-----