I'd have to say, of all the things you can put cheez whiz on, ritz crackers are the best. Triscuits would be in the top 10, but due to the abraisiveness they can't be eaten comfortably in large quantities. Also up towards the top would be cheez-its. The main problem there is the overabundance of cheeziness.

i must agree with you toiletduk...

 

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[Editor: The events in the next few portions of the story were revealed piecemeal after the fact by various involved persons, most notably "Benito" who was my brother's good friend, and was most recently roomates with my brother and I for a year and a half at college, now one of my best friends and most trustworthy in his account. The other part of the story was revealed by "Mary Jane," whose part and background is revealed in this episode.]


Part IV - Strike; Counterstrike.


As Clark turned his back and headed out the door with his mother, a somewhat unsure Jack proceeded with Emily to the room where the young women aged 16-18 of the congregation had finished up their evening's activities of socializing and education of various sorts.


The director of their activites at the time was Mary Jane, a woman in her mid-40's with a terrific smile, a terrific sense of humor, and a knack for telling it like it is. It's difficult to really explain Mary Jane, but suffice it to say that knowing Mary Jane, you would expect her to act exactly as she acts in this situation.


Jack and Emily came in the room as various other people are milling around doing whatnot, and Jack walked up and presented Emily to Mary Jane. The conversation that transpired between Jack and Emily up to this point is shrouded in mystery, but the discerning reader can assume certain things from context. Mary Jane relates:


"Jack walked up to me and said, 'Mary Jane, I'd like you to meet Emily, she's new here.'


"At this point Emily said, 'eah, Jack is going to take me out and show me all around town.'


"Well from the look on poor Jack's face I could tell that was the first he had heard of this. So I said, 'Oh, that will be fun for you and Jill.'


"It was then Emily's turn for facial gymnastics. 'Jill? Who's Jill?'


"In as cheery and oh-you-didn't-know-that-? tone as I could, I replied, 'His girlfriend, of course!'

what? creative work on the message board?

that is unheard of!!

*GasP*

where are are my auctions and flames!

how dare you waist idle space with your

(makes annoying quoation marks with hands)

Creative work

(end quotes)


bump for something out of the ordinary

ROFL eumenides...I'll try to work some ranting in for you ok?

--------------------------------------------

Part V - Huh? Ummm... Whatever.


We transition now to Benito's narration. Benito and Juan arrived at the meeting house after the regularly scheduled activites (both working full-time jobs that summer after graduation to fund upcoming college tuition) for some volleyball. While making the tour to gather participants, they passed through one room to find Jack and Emily. Jack seemed eager to speak with them for some reason.


"Hey guys, this is Emily. Show her around a bit, would you? I've got to go."


Jack took his leave, or in the exact words of Benito, "escaped," leaving Emily standing before Juan and Benito. Pleasantries and introductions were exchanged, immediately after which Emily tried a second time to snare an unsuspecting young man.


"So, which of you is gonna take me out this weekend and show me around?"


Those of you who remember the popular MTV animated program "Beavis and Butthead" are familiar enough with the proper pronunciation of their response (which was humorously enough exactly the same from both, at the same time). Others will just have to do their best to imagine.


"Uhhhh, huh ... huh ... no."


"Why not?"


"Um, maybe because I don't even know you?" Juan retorted.


This was obviously too great an intellectual challenge for Emily (in future episodes we will learn more of her prowess in interpersonal relations and debate), so she resorted to more devious tactics.


She grabbed Juan's ball.


Volleyball that is. Snatched it right out of his hands, she did. Sly as a fox she was not, but strike like a serpent she could.


"I'm not gonna give this back until you agree to take me out on a date!"


Benito indicates that there was a brief moment of tense anticipation, one of those situations where if a quantum physicist were in the room he would jump off his chair and scramble to fire up various bits of machinery and recording devices in a desperate attempt to obtain scientific proof of the commonly held notion that the linear progression of time as humans know it can actually stop.


The universe folded over upon itself and turned inside out, and for a brief moment all matter and energy temporarily ceased to exist, then recreated itself in the same instant. This effect has since been named the Emily Effect. Though observations have been limited (I will be sure to indicate them as we encounter them in the future), it is conjectured that an "Emily Moment" also briefly occured during Part IV at the moment the unfortunate Jack realized the force with which he was dealing. Authoritative sources posit that in that instance, the stability of the then-present Mary Jane Matrix was able to prevent any permanent damage to the observers, causing the EmilEnergy created by the Emily Effect to be absorbed by the Vortex of Tactlessness, which is theorized to be the entity which Emily uses instead of a soul.


But I digress.


As the Emily Moment passed (not the appropriate term, as it implies passage of time, whereas when under the Emily Effect observers experience both an eternity and an instant in the same perception), Juan did what any God- and Woman-fearing man would do:


He left.


Without another word, he turned and walked out of the room. Since Mary Jane was not present, this instance is clearly proof that the Mary Jane Matrix actually exists at all times, and is not a function of her power, but is perhaps accessed in a certain way by individuals under the influence of the Emily Effect.


In the attitude of returning to a more narrative approach, I will leave the reader to further introspection on the Emily Effect himself, and simply note the instances where it rears its Space-Time-Confounding head again in the future.

[moderated] come on, i stopped playing ac to read this, damn you've hooked me, whats next huh huh!!!!

LOL, okay, but I'm leaving work after this one...maybe.


--------------------------------------------


Part VI - Universe in Peril


As the EmilEnergy disappeared from existence into the Vortex of Tactlessness, Emily turned to Benito without skipping a beat.


"So, what about you?"


Benito is the kind of person that you can't hate, unless you happen to be a raving mad lunatic. He's just plain nice. Incredibly intelligent, too. Benito actually radiates pure Tact Essence himself, so the interaction of these to beings risked dangerous cosmic consequences.


"Well, I don't know. I work full-time, get home at 7pm, eat dinner, and usually just go to bed because I'm so tired."


"So what about this Friday, then?"


At this point our reader can easily see that not only was Emily deprived of soul and tact, but also lacked cognitive language interpretation skills.


"Uhh, probably not. Like I said, I'm usually exhausted by the end of the day."


"Come on, why not?"


"Well, I'm not much into dating right now."


"That's not a good enough reason."


This is often the response elicited from someone when a perfectly good reason is stated and they have no actual counterpoint.


"Well, the volleyball is going to get started. Can I have the ball?"


In a surprising denouement, Emily relented and gave him the ball. Scholars all agree that this action alone averted possible destruction of the entire Whattown greater metropolitan area, as the amount of Tact and Anti-Tact building up would have surely reached critical mass in a few more moments.


Benito took the ball, proceeded to the gymnasium, and enjoyed the rest of the evening. As to what Emily did next, no source can provide exact details, but the next episode reveals the extent of her persistence.

/e thinks that she better get the new episodes before anyone else or there'll be BITING involved.

 

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You know you will, Mousie.

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Part VII - Restraining Order.


Benito returned home from his summer internship at the ad agency and enjoyed his mother's cooking in the comfortable confines of their upper-class home, furnished by his father's manager salary at a large accounting firm.


After a brief dip in the pool to relax himself after the hour-long commute in rush-hour traffic in the 110 degree New Floritexabama June heat, he settled down to a bit of mental vegetation in front of the television.


The phone rang.


"Benito, it's for you."


"Hello?"


"Hi, this is Emily!"


"Emily?"


"eah, from last night at church."


To this day, Benito does not know who gave her his phone number, but his petition to have them put on the FBI's 10 Most Wanted list is still bogged down in bureaucratic filibustering.


"Oh, yes, I remember you."


"So hey, does tomorrow night work for you?"


The Emily Effect, being independent of time and space, can actually reach you before the sound waves from her lips reach your ear and are interpreted by your brain. However, being out of her direct presence dullens somewhat the general discomfort experienced.


"To do what?"


Playing stupid sometimes works on stupid people, Benito hoped.


"Go out, you know. Show me all the spots and stuff."


"Ok, I don't know if I was clear last night, but I'm not much for dating right now. I leave the house at 7am and get home at 7pm, and I'm never in the mood to go out."


"Aww come on."


Benito said that he thought she thought he was making up excuses and being deceptive, so the only way out would be to do just that, make up excuses and be deceptive. Perhaps she would mistake it for truth.


"Well, tomorrow won't work for me, but maybe we can do something another weekend, ok?"


Being a man, Benito has received this excuse countless times from the women he has asked out, and he knows as well as everyone does that it is complete and utter lies. However, it seemed to work in this case, because he managed to rid himself of her interest from that point on.


But when her quarry escapes, the serpent seeks out another.

ack more more damn it!