my older daughter was watering plants and went into my younger daughter's classroom with the watering can.

the little one saw her and immediately yelled, "I want that, it's MINE!!" and went to my older daughter and seized the watering can, at which point my older daughter burst into tears and the teacher separated them.

they want to work with my older daughter on standing up for herself. they want to have her go into the other classroom more often and have more opportunities for her to say, "No, this is my work, please do not disturb my work."

usually when this happens at home, we punish our little one and tell our older girl that she ought to stand up for herself and not put up with that. it's been happening less often at home but I think it's because the instigator gets punishment and I'm not sure she is punished at school. I think the school wants the girls to resolve it themselves without resorting to adult intervention.

now I'm not sure what to do. my husband and I are tempted to tell our older daughter to deck the little one the next time this happens but 1) honestly, that's probably the wrong answer and 2) there's no way the school will condone that. how can we teach our little girl that this is wrong no matter where they are and how do we show our older child to stand up for herself in a nonviolent and yet effective way? because it looks like what we're doing now is not working.

 

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How is the younger one punished at home?


What are you doing to encourage the elder daughter to stand up for herself?

 

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at home the little one gets a timeout when she takes things from other people without asking.

we also encourage our older daughter to tell her not to take her stuff and to take it back if she has to. she used to just let the little one take her stuff and she'd just go and do something else, but we told her to stop letting other people take her things without asking.

edit: for the record, our kids are 3 and 4.5.

 

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Well, it's just a suggestion, but perhaps rather than a simple timeout, you should take away something the younger child values each time she does this so she'll know what it feels like?


For the older child, I really have no idea. Do you let you know you disapprove of her current actions? Sometimes that disapproval will spur a child into wanting to do things to gain a parent's approval. Seems kinda backwards, but that's all I can come up with for that one.

 

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this is a good idea, I think we may give this a try because it's obvious timeouts aren't cutting it here.





I'm not sure how to answer this as I don't exactly disapprove of her actions. How do you tell a child you disapprove of her being too nice? I guess mostly I don't understand because I have to say, when I was a kid, if MY little sister had taken a toy I was playing with, I would have snatched it back and I would have clobbered her too, for good measure! But my sister and I had a very different relationship, we fought like cats and dogs every single day and my two little girls actually don't. I'm grateful, but sometimes it makes things more complicated, I guess. I know I shouldn't condone violence but what else can you do when you start running out of other options? HAVE I run out of other options?

 

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Hmmmm....have you told the older child that what the younger one is doing is wrong? I mean, I would assume so, but I kinda remember something like this with my daughter only not to this degree.


I had to explain that what someone was doing was wrong and she needed to do what is right. She'd ask questions like "isn't that being mean, though?" and I'd explain that sometimes when you stand up for yourself, your actions might not be as nice as if the person wasn't doing something wrong to you already.


What do I know, though. /shrugs

 

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yeah, she knows that what the little one is doing is wrong. I like your explanation of what happens when you stand up for yourself, though. I definitely want her to understand that when someone wrongs you, sometimes it's ok to push back. It's complicated but I know it's so important -- I mean, right now it's stuff like her sister taking her toys from her, but what if one day it's someone wanting to molest her? what if ten years down the road it's the first boy she dates wanting to take things farther than she wants to go? Everyone tells little girls to be sweet and good and nice, but sometimes we need to fight for ourselves and I want her to get that.

anyway thanks for the advice, I think there's some good stuff here.

 

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Cool, I hope it helps. Maybe someone will have some better suggestions later, too.

 

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It could just be her personality, to the point that she's not going to figure out how to stand up for herself until she's much, much older. My middle sister didn't figure out how until she was well into her 20's, no matter what anyone (parents, extended family, teachers, etc) tried to do with her.

I hope your daughter figures it out much sooner.

 

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Repitition and patience with the little one. That's how I'm dealing with the grandkids right now, that are pretty much the same age difference as yours, just a little younger.


Maddy, the 1yo offender, just has to be talked to and maybe shown something else to do, rather than being mean. I tell her no no, and explain why it's wrong, then I steer her to blocks or whatever her sister isn't playing with, and spend some time playing with her. They only need 5 or so minutes to get interested in something else.


Works for me


Good luck

 

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