CoreBB

Part XXI - Chivalry and Lunacy.

Had the Crocodile Hunter been popular at the time, I certainly would have relished the temporary fantasy of being a thickly accented Britishman along for the rough ride through the Outback searching for an extremely rare and venomous snake to chase after with my bare hands and hold dangerously close to my face while explaining how he strikes completely without warning and her venom takes only seconds to incapacitate the victim.

P.S. The parking lot was the Outback and Emily was the snake. And I had a cool red beard and one of those really big and therefor really useful Swiss Army Knives on my belt.

I turned off the car. Enough dreaming, it was time to pay the piper.

I got out of the car.

I walked around the car.

I opened Emily's door.

Emily got out.

I closed Emily's door (making sure to lock it, as one can never be too careful!)

I turned and took three steps.

I looked to my left.

I looked to my right.

I turned around.

There Emily stood, arms folded and with an agitated look on her face! Obviously confused, I cocked my head to the side and said, "

es?"

"

ou're supposed to stand on this side, " [points to her right side], "Put your arm like this," [crooks her left arm], "and I put my arm like this," [pantomimes putting right arm through my left, linking elbows], "and we walk that way!"

WHAT THE *moderated by Zaronji*!!! Who in holy *moderated by Zaronji* would be so *moderated by Zaronji* daft as to conjure up a *moderated by Zaronji* *moderated by Zaronji* so *moderated by Zaronji* as THAT???

[Editor's note: Common practice in a typed medium to indicate shouting is to use all capital letters. For readability sake, however, we are presenting the following lines in proper English grammar, and leave it as an exercise to the reader to transpose the meaning of the author's words onto the image of a flushed, raving lunatic, arms flailing about in an attempt to convey utter frustration with the subject of the narrative. The popular Chris Farley character "Matt Foley, the Motivational Speaker" is recommended as an example.]

<shout=on>

Here we have someone who is so obviously ignorant of societal norms of courtesy, decency, and sanity when applied to herself that even Martha Stewart would cuss, and she has the audacity to demand that I conform to some fanciful chivalric code that she has baked up in the twisted psyche of a self-aggrandizing lunatic!!!11!!!1

<shout=off>

"

ou're serious?"

And thus we had an Emily Moment. The heat of the setting sun grew cold as light no longer traveled in linear progression through time and space. Technically, the universe achieved pure darkness at this point because light waves no longer struck matter particles. But the frozen perception of reality in the human mind, its awareness anchored in the vector of 4 dimensions, believed that all proceeded as normal, the cogs of the cosmic continuum churning ever on.

But we were at a stand-off. She, in a half-akimbo stance, me, in a deceptively relaxed posture, concealing the rising tension in my muscles as primitive instinct drove me to spring forward and attack as would a panther, or recoil and bound off through the suburbian thicket as would the gazelle.

I stepped forward, swiveled around, and linked arms.

*sound of whip cracking*

*sound of whip cracking*