**This is the third part in the AC Secrets trilogy. Please do not take it literally.
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MAY 2002
Welcome to "Ask Kevin" the definitive problems page forum for the denizens of Dereth. Kevin, our resident Hunter Shreth, has been in game since beta, and has a PhD in Monster Psychology from the University of Osteth. Kevin promises to listen to all your problems with a sympathetic ear, then reply with a corrosive wit. Remember, this site will automatically censor foul language, so please leave it at home.
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Posted 1 May, 12:30 PST, by Bipartisan, Dual Fragment
I think the hooms are out to get me. No matter where I go, as soon as a hoom sees me, it attacks me. If I'm in a group with other monsters, the hooms pick me. Yesterday, I was chatting to a group of Bone Knights when a hoom runs up, beats the hell out of me, loots my corpse and leaves. What kind of crap is that? And what do they hope to find? Most of the time I don't carry [moderated] anyway.
Kevin Replies: Yeh, this problem - which we in the profession call the whingeing idiot syndrome - is becoming more and more prevalent. Last month we even had this guy - I think his name was Ralirea - claiming that he was being hunted by every single hoom over level 35. You people so need to get over yourselves.
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Posted 2 May, 17:53 PST, [Name withheld], Virindi
You gotta help me. I'm a Virindi trying to make an honest living buying and selling magical equipment to hooms in a popular town on the west coast. Overall, business has been good to me. Some other Virindi set up in competition with me last year, but I saw them off. More recently I've started paying the hooms much lower prices, and have been really screwing them over a treat. But for several months now I've had this moron standing on the roof of my tent summoning portals all day long. What's worse he's full of smart-ass comments. Please tell me how I can get rid of him.
Kevin Replies: Sorry bud, but I won't help you. Have you any idea about the penalties for selling magic equipment to hooms?
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Posted 5 May, 09:20 PST by Che-Che, Tusker Guard
Ever since some guy put out a spoof lifestone chat last year, people believe that every Tusker thinks about nothing but bananas all day long. Wherever I go there's always some wise guy who'll chant "nanas". I'm getting fed up with this and want it to be known that I'm interested in a wide range of fruit and vegetables, including, but not limited to, bananas. Thank you.
Kevin replies: We will try to remember.
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Posted 7 May, 23:59 PST by Virindi Executor
I cant help tellin people what f*****g n3wbs they all are. If I see somewon make a comment I dont agree with I gotta tell them there a f*****g n3wb. If they say something wrong I gotta tell them there a f*****g n3wb. People tell me to grow up, but why should I when there the f*****g n3wbs. How do I get this through there n3wbie little skulls.
Kevin replies: There are several possible explanations for your problem. The most likely is that you're 14 years old; this happens to many 14 year olds, so if you're 14, just forget it, and hopefully you'll go away. The second most likely explanation is that you've got a very small [moderated]; in this case you're just going to have to learn to live with it [trust me: those aids you read about won't work]. If neither of these fits, then we're just going to have to face up to the possibility that you're a complete and utter jerk.
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Posted 8 May, 08:38 PST, by Pookie, White Rabbit
Is there something wrong with me? As soon as any hoom so much as looks at me I have an uncontrollable urge to destroy them. I'm one of the highest level monsters in the game, so I don't really have anything to prove, but I just can't seem to let them get away with it. I want to be more tolerant and just live and let live, but I don't know how.
Kevin replies: Don't beat yourself up about this. I doubt I can provide you with the holy grail you're seeking (groan - hehe!), but if I was level 666 and called Pookie, then you can bet your ass I'd be trashing everything, including my bedroom furniture.
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Posted 10 May, 14:23 PST by Androgeny, Lich Lord
I have developed sexual feelings for a Banderling Thrasher who hangs out just across the river from me. I'd like to talk to it about my feelings, but I'm afraid of rejection. What can I do?
Kevin replies: Bud, do you have a death wish or what?
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Posted 11 May, 11:59 PST, by Virindi Executor
KEVIN YOUR A F*****G GIMP! TWO AND A HALF YEARS IN GAME AND STILL ONLY LEVEL F*****G 11! YOU NOOBIE LITTLE F*****G GIMP!
Kevin replies: I'm leaning towards the "complete jerk" explanation, but I'm open to other views.
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Posted 12 May 17:09 PST, Angelus, Tumerok Warrior
I believe that a friend of mine may have problems with substance abuse. He used to take mana stones just to recharge his magic items, but I've noticed recently that he's started to use them on himself. I asked him what he was doing and he openly admitted that he wanted to "speed things up". What should I do?
Kevin replies: No one should underestimate the dangers of mana stone addiction. Soon your friend will be unable to fight without them. And there is serious research which shows that taking mana stones leads on to harder stones such as gems of stillness. There is a public program available which can help your friend. It's called "Detox". I am e-mailing you the details privately.
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Poster 13 May 12:30 PST, by Brian, Drudge Lurker
A few months ago I rerolled as a drudge hoping one day to make it to Ascendant level, when I should be able to tackle over 90 of the content in the game. But it's so slow. I've only just made it to level 37, and I'm still following the old rule of only attacking hooms wielding spears. I've heard that the golems have had a lot of love recently and was wondering whether I should reroll.
Kevin replies. Hey! This is a PROBLEMS page. That is not a problem. That is a question about gameplay. What we're looking for are personal problems - the more embarrassing, the better.
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Posted 17 May 10:10 PST, by Rover, Tusker Slave
I've been in a long term relationship with a Virindi Director and have always considered the two of us as equals. Recently, when I mentioned this to a friend, he just laughed and said "I think it's more like owner and pet". How can I convince people that I'm not just a pet?
Keven replies: That's more like it! I want you to ask yourself these questions: (1) Do you wear a collar? (2) Do your ears prick up when your owner - I mean, your partner - says "Walkies!"? (3) Do you go bounding after any hoom that runs by while your owner - er, that is, your partner - stays put"? You sensing a pattern here?
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Posted 20 May 20:43 PST, by Terry, Greater Skeleton
I think I may have a weight problem. At first, I just thought I was just big-boned, but several of my friends have told me that I'm getting a little fat. Can you help me?
Kevin replies: This may surprise you, but obesity is the second most common cause of death in Dereth. It comes right after being violently murdered by a passing stranger, which is responsible for 99.9999997 of all deaths in Dereth. I don't buy all these trendy explanations about genetics or metabolism. I'm sorry, but fat people are fat because they eat more. Here are three simple rules to help you shed that flab:
(1) Do not try to eat everything you kill.
(2) Next time you take a 5 litre tub of ice cream out of the freezer, remember YOU DO NOT HAVE TO EAT THE WHOLE TUB IN ONE GO!
(3) Exercise more! Instead of taking that portal, try running to your destination.
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Posted 24 May 16:20 PST, by Ulaing, Lythoz Lugean
i spekt ax wen i kriated mi kar, becoz i thawt it wud be best - now im reelly pissd off to find that ther are lots of UA spekt lugees of the sam level as mi who are much betta - it cost mi 12 fukkin poynts to spek ax, but they onli spent 6 - i hav even fouwnd thrown weppons is betta than ax. Wat can i do?
Kevin replies. Did you ever think of trying a spell checker - no, don't answer that.
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Posted 28 May 18:21 PST by Arny, Umbris Shadow
Ever since I lost my legs in a riding accident involving a hoary mattekar, I have been getting around using a gas powered engine. However, it produces a lot of smoke and some of my peers have been complaining about the damage I'm doing to the environment. Yesterday a Loot told me I was harming his Small Child with passive smoking. Are there any cleaner solutions available?
Kevin replies: As a matter of fact there are. The Virindi have been using a pollution-free transit system for some time now. There is no truth in the rumours that they involve an unstable poorly tested plutonium-based nuclear reactor. There is also no truth in the scurrilous rumour that I own 35 of the stock in the company that manufactures them. Why not check them out over at the Virindi Executive Lounge.
-----signature-----
"Come on baby light my fur"
