The last thing I will say on this matter is this:


MoFo,


You don't know **** about this situation. You are still a spoiled drug kid from SoCal. You still think "it's all good".


Eshvanu talks about hitting "rock bottom" without even understanding what that is. "Rock bottom" is NOT having fortune 500 companies giving you a second chance. Or, the government (taxpayers) subsidizing a retraining program.


Rock bottom is coming to the realization that no matter how hard you work and how much you pay in taxes you will never, ever repay society for your own screw-ups. There are not enough apologies to friends, family and co-workers to make up for the damage that has been done.


It doesn't matter how much OT you pull or how many times you "do the impossible", you will never pay back the debt.


You can pick up trash on your way back from a hike. You can wash some cars for the local high school fund-raiser. You can wake up exhausted and sore at 3am in the morning to go off and do another day.


But, you will never pay back what you took.


You owe so many "chips" that you will never be able to pay them off.


But, you can try. No matter how futile it is, as long as you are sincere and lead a clean life, at least *some* of the debts are erased. You won't get to them all. But, at least you try.


Sitting at home eating anti-depressants will not erase any of the guilt-ridden debts owed. Working hard will.


But, WTF do I know.....

What do you know?

Anon, you are one of my favorites, and you know it


but you do have a high horse sometimes

 

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I don't feel I owe chips to anyone. I feel I was given "so many chips" that I have a hard time figuring out new ways to give them away and make myself feel better about being given such a gift. But I don't feel bad for accepting the gift of life, if I did that, what would be the point of said gift?


Oh, I know, attempt to pay to life, for the happiness it has given me.


and of course we all know paying back is accounted for in the amount blood sweat and tears that drops out of you. If I go sit in the desert cutting myself & crying all day for 1 year, would that be enough to last my whole life? Or do I have to say a series of hominid grunts to a specific person? Perhaps if I wiggled my forearm like so? Maybe if I throw this spoon at the right moment....


Ugh, futile. Hmmm... Laugh about the futility of man and move on, or cry about futility and throw a temper tantrum over my very existence?


hmmm, which do I prefer? Oh this is a tough one.

I allways pictured rock bottom as a dark alley with a needle in your arm, a dick in your mouth with your front pockets pulled inside-out.


Thats what rock bottom looks like in my minds eye.

 

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Plus a bird flying overhead poops on you the instant you think to yourself "is this rock bottom?"

My post doesn't say anything about hitting "rock bottom". I even added that, imo, everyone's "bottom" is different. Mine came when I stopped digging "the hole" deeper, and took steps to stop drinking and abusing drugs. I haven't taken any government retraining programs. I earned my way back into the corporate world taking temporary and contract jobs to prove I could be trusted, could get the work done, and could keep myself sober while doing so. I did that more than once to rebuild my life. Each time, I worked initially for less than what I was making before I fell apart, and each time earned my way back to a decent level of pay. At my last job, I contributed several ideas that led to corporate savings in the millions. Some of those were recurring savings, on a yearly basis.


You don't know much if you think I'm still "sitting at home and eating anti-depressents". I stated in my initial post about my life that I'm no longer taking meds, and have learned techniques from my therapist to get through such times without having, so far, to take meds again. While not everyone who experiences Clinical Depression is able to do so, I seem to be fortunate in that respect. I might be able to go through the remainder of my life without taking anti-depressants again. I don't know that, but I certainly hope so.


May I ask, why do you seem so angry about what I've posted? How do you know what "chips" I might owe, and what I have repaid and/or repaired by my honest efforts over the past 10 years? Why do you feel I must weigh myself down to "erase any of the guilt-ridden debts owed". Indeed, why do you think I have to be overwhelmed with guilt, apparently to the point I sacrifice everything and possibly even die to meet your idea of what's right? Seems to me that's an insane way to live, and the wrong way to make positive contributions to our community.

 

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I guess I lied, because I'm writing another reply.


I did the same crap the OP did. For two years.


I didn't say "only for two years" for a reason. One week is too much. One day is too much.


I was a total f-up from 1983-1985. Not quite as bad as Eshvanu, but close enough. Close enough so I actually "get it".


It is now 2007 and I have still not repayed the debt to society. But, I'll keep trying. I won't sit at home and suck down meds. I'll leave for work at an ungodly hour and will probably get back late (again).


The funny part about this thread is that the OP is having trouble collecting himself after his own errors while turning his back on the catholic faith.


The primary building block of the true Catholic faith is penance. Paying back to society and God what you took from it and Him. That does not require meds. It requires commitment and the acceptance that you have done something so wrong that it can never be repaid.


The forgiveness comes with the acceptance that you will try so hard to repay the debt that you will never again repeat the same mistakes because the re-payment is so high. You are so busy repaying the debt that you don't have time to stack new debts upon the last ones.


In my opinion, a guy who spent 30 years f'n off and pursuing a criminal lifestyle doesn't deserve a repreive from penance till around 2022. It's only 15 years.


I've done 22 and I'm not done yet.

*repent repent repent* HATE HATE HATE *repent repent repent* HATE *repent* HATE HATE HATE *repent*


GOOOOOO CATHOLICS!