===========================
Act 1: The Trek To The Movies.
I dislike Star Trek. I dislike it almost as much as that TV Show "The View." I dislike it almost as much as Arts & Crafts time in my anger management classes. I dislike it almost as much as I dislike parents whose kids joined the military for money and benefits knowing the risk, then die, and they find themselves protesting and crying about it on every channel because suddenly they didn't realize the risk and danger they put their kids into. I dislike the fanboys and fangina's that worship Star Trek to the point where they idolize every scene and dress up in their costumes giving themselves ranks believing that they are serving in The Federation. Yet after all this hate, I still found myself bribed by my nerd coworkers to attend this opening night with popcorn, candy, Dr. Pepper, and a "present". I could have fought the temptations of stuff I could buy myself- but the "Present" is what drew me in.
Before I continue this review let me identify my coworkers so everybody can get a better understanding.
I have roughly 4 coworkers who (in movie relations) I can identify as the bank manager and his friends who throw those 'costume' parties in the latest Jim Carrey movie "
es Man." If Harry Potter releases a new movie, they dress up like they are from Hogwarts, and role play their asses to the movies. If Batman comes out, I find my desk surrounded by Jokers & Batmen mock fighting in my office. If Star Wars comes out with something (even as meager and pathetic as that Clone Wars Cartoon), I find myself surrounded by them attempting to explain to me all 6 episodes in full detail... slower then actually watching it.. while they are in costumes or storm tropper outfits etc. I think last time one of them made me toast dressed in Darth Vader attire; however all of these pale into consideration of this Star Trek movie.I found myself as the only person not dressed in a uniform in the ENTIRE group. That is ok, in a group or virgins I was the best looking thus the center of their drooling D&D Role Playing zerg. Since part of the agreement of me getting a present was that I let them treat me out this night, I was forced to drive in their ‘decked out’ van, only to find the entire inside had posters / action figures / and other Star Trek toys you would think belonged to an autism Day Care Center. Throughout the 1 hour, 45 minutes, and 17 second drive – I was forced to hear the intro “Space… the Final Frontier…†monologue done at least.. AT LEAST 6 times by each of them, often adlibbing their own ideas which was followed by an eruption of laughter from the entire nerd brigade. They also explained to me “ALL FRICKEN TEN†movies of Star Trek to me so I would be ‘Up To Date.’
We exit the van and I pray to whatever deity was watching over me that I arrived safe because randomly the driver would yell ‘Time to enter Warp Speed†and floor it; thus his van lurched up to 55 mph on I-4. I thought myself smart and said “hyper drive†and they all looked at me and my friend said “not cool,†I’ll go into detail on this later. Once outside the van I prepare to leave and they tell me not so fast… my present awaits.
OMG… what can it be? A new outfit, purse, perhaps he fixed my PSP that keeps breaking, or or.. money, or a gift card even? Nope…. They wanted to ‘assimilate me’ into their nerd collective by giving me a Star Trek uniform of my own…. A red one… that was way too short. They forced me… into the van.. to get dressed.
After I was let into their nerd hive, and they honored me by giving me some kind of nerd role playing rank “Admiral Ick Thur- something†we lurched to the theater where the biggest collection of asexual congregated. If Guiness was there to take a picture, they would have got a new world record for the most abstinent people on the planet within a 1 mile zone. All around us was nerdlings mock fighting, and dressed in gear that must have made their mothers proud.
In line I said my second mistake. I asked if some black dude was a Seth Lord. I can safely say that perhaps 70 nerds looked at me, and the immediate area around me was quiet. At this point, I swear a lil drop of piss ran down my leg, and I felt more out of place than a straight dude in San Francisco. My friends explained the difference of movie genre to me, apologized to the public, and I had perhaps 15 geeks explain to me that George Lucas is their mortal enemy. We were paraded into the theaters with cameras from news crews all over and I tried to hide my face in case any of my real friends would see me and cast me away into exile for being dressed like a Trekky Hooker.
====================================
Act 2: The Movie & Review
When the opening title appeared, I thought the nerds saw their first breast because the room erupted in hoots and hollering that would rival that of Japs running from Godzilla. The movie began and immediately I am thrust into the best opening of any movie. Instant combat, explosions, and people dying left and right within the first 30 seconds. Ok… so far so good.
The movie continues… more action. Lots of eye candy… and one of the most comical bar fights I have seen in a while. Within 3 minutes…. Another action scene.
The longest this movie has done without any type of action was a dialogue sequence of 2 minutes 34 seconds, where two characters talked about fighting and kicking each others asses before they actually did. The entire movie had so much action; Terry Shiavo would have woken up, walked out of bed, and went to see it drool and all.
Now… I don’t know much about the Geek Trek Universe, but it was very easy to understand, so without knowing the history of this movie I was able to follow it with only minimal questions from “Captain Steve†my coworker.
Naturally, being a JJ Abrahms movie, it involved a lot of time travel, alternate universes, and ass kicking. I think there were more explosions and fighting in this movie then in Dark Knight. In fact… I’d go so far to say that it was my favorite movie this year.
Now I already said I am not a big fan of the Star Trek genre’ but I do know the cast of whose whom, and when Leonard Nimoy showed up as Spock for his appearance I think that every nerd sinned in their Starfleet Uniforms. The applause was so deafening, and nerds stood up and saluted that went from uber geek to ‘omg did he just do that’ geek.
When the movie ended (in major fight scene #344), and the credits rolled – it was a standing ovation from almost everybody (I say almost because I didn’t stand up because I didn’t want to be on film in case I run for a political office and they could use it against me).
I’ll actually give this movie a 9.7/10, and the missing 0.3 is because (from what I understood) everything in every other movie is now null and void as the entire future never happened and it will all be rewritten from this movie fwd. I think.. I dunno. It was shiny and had pretty colors, and was funny – hence I ranked it high.
Over and all, I might go see it again in the comfort of a non hazardous environment.
=================================
Act 3: The Next Day
When I got to work the next day, my coworkers bought me the entire set of Star Trek movies, and episode DVD's. I was grateful and amazed because the entire series of the originals and next generation episodes (Professor X is the captain) were over $250 at Best Buy. I think it's 10 movies total and all the episodes.
So far I'm at Star Trek 3 where they go to find Spock whom got nuked in the microwave saving them from Kauhn. He's a lil kid. On the episodes, I got a headache, but I'll stomach through it I guess.
I feel so dirty now.... Whats next? Playing WoW on a PVE server with them and having their weekly get togethers... eww. I won't complain too much, all in all... it was a fun experience and a decently great night I don't entirely regret.
-----signature-----
GM of Piracy & Fallen Eagles
GM of Unguilded
GM of Unguilded
